How to have uncomfortable conversations?

0) Let the other person know we want to discuss something that is important for us (asking for permission or scheduling a time for it, it’s better if the other person knows and agrees to have the conversation, they will be open for it and curious from the beginning, rather than closed).

1) Express how we lived the experience from our own point of view providing a context for it and why what happened represents something important for us. (The other person most likely is not aware of all of that we are saying so it’s very important to generate empathy by explaining it well from our point of view). 

1.2) Have pen and paper (it always helps me to be able to draw and write the main points, also to avoid excessive eye contact since it can be uncomfortable for both parts).

2) Avoid attacking the other person with hard comments or hard questions to answer (this will make the person be in a defensive mode, if this happens, at the end there will be a feeling of discussion or fight, rather than empathy and compassion.

3) Identify what’s the main principle behind the whole experience and why we think that principle got broken in that situation. For example, the principle of respecting each other, caring for each other, feeling valued, etc.

4) Try to work together and come up with an alternative plan for that type of situations.

Lesson learned. Hopefully I can remember this next time I have an uncomfortable conversation…